I See Myself

I turned 36 today

I spent the day in the ocean

When I came in to rinse off the sand

I paused in front of the mirror

I looked in the mirror and saw myself as you see me

Really saw myself

A head that once went Sakora

Now sports baby locs

Black hair with a hint of burgundy color

Attempting to defy my rasta-hating folks

Forehead sprinkled with heat rashes

It’s been unbearably hot lately

Bushy eyebrows that frame

Piercing brown eyes doing the looking

I pause

I ought to go thread ‘em

I check myself

That’s not why I am in the mirror

Eyelashes that puts most mascara-enhanced And fake ones to shame

High cheekbones creating the contours for the cheeks

That have now filled out nicely since I’ve put on some weight.

Nose that hints of my Euro heritage

Long and a bit pointed

That’s how they know I’m mixed

At least that’s what the family elders say

They say I didn’t pick the color or the hair

But the nose, they say they can claim me

Lips that are full and un-doctored

Shyly cover teeth ridiculed for life

Piranha

Rabbit

Lips that are succulent to kiss…or so I’ve been told

Neck, long and regal

Holding up my head

Rings tenderly encircling it

Nefertiti hangs down to my chest

My collar bones

They used to protrude more

They’ve filled in a bit since I put on weight

Today when I looked in the mirror

I saw myself as you see me

Perky size B (left side) and A (right side) breasts that usually nestle in C cups

Because I can’t be honest with the world

Shoulders broad and set slightly curved

Arms that Still look stick-like to me

No matter how much I eat

I’ve always wanted to be fat

Maybe thick is a better word

They used to tease me mercilessly

Bag of bones

Skinny Mel

I can never please this society

One day I’m 80lbs and they say I’m sick

Years later I’m 130lbs and they say I’m fat

What’s the “just-right” mark

I look up from washing my face

And for the first time I smile

Really smile at the woman in the mirror

Who turned 36 today

She looks nothing like her age

People say she’s kidding

My eyes travel again

I see a hip-waist proportion

I’m doubtful of

I wish my belly was flatter

I have a fear of becoming disproportional

Having a big stomach

But I know I am well fed

Plus there’s nothing a bit of toning won’t do

I turn and admire the big booty

I often hear others mention

Some smack or squeeze

Some enviously make comments

The capital “S” back that accentuates the booty even more

My hips too have gotten wider with the weight gain

I set my hands on them

I’m pleased they’ve gotten wider

I like them this way

You like them this way

I remember the last time I was at your place

You asked me to walk back over to the bathroom

And repeat that walk a few times

I remember that after that I grew bold

Modeled for you in the nude

I did a full bend forward touching my ankles and looking at you through my legs

The smile of appreciation on your face

Coupled with your exclamations and whistles

Brought a smile to my face

That made me want to see myself as you see me

My thighs have finally reached

My version of adult proportions

I’ve always wanted to be bigger, heavier

Made novenas for more breast tissue at 16

More hips at 22

More weight at 35 and a half

Weight, something most people I know despise

I ate it all

I ate it late

I worked out twice a month

Yet none of it showed

Mother universe didn’t think I needed to be

My knees are too dark

My knees and my elbows are in cahoots

To get me kicked out of this mixed family

Maybe I ought to keep them covered more

But my legs

Yeah my legs

I like them just fine

I’ve got calves that rival most

They say I got that from my mama

Ankles that narrow just right to support

All 138lbs that I am now

My feet are ok

They are very dark too

They and my hands have been models for catalogues

So I Know they look great

Especially when they have some red nail polish on them

I look at her

Stare her deep in the eyes

I step away from the mirror

I turned 36 today and I finally

See me the way you see me