#52essays: Sometimes there is only Silence

The depression came late this year. For the last two weeks I’ve been battling to stay alive. There are lots of good things happening all around me but the really shitty thing about the sickness is that it brings with it myopia and the only thing you can see are all the negative things happening or that you are sure will happen. I usually experience a depressive bout from the day after my birthday until about early May but this year somehow I managed to skirt the whole thing. First time in probably all my years of battling that I haven’t had depression knock me out for two-three months. Winter seemed like it would never end but somehow through all the seemingly endless snow and cold and rain I trudged forward waiting for the light and when it finally came, I’m depressed.

The thing with depression is that it makes people uncomfortable because no matter what they say you can’t just snap out of it and give them smiles. They see you a second time and expect that by now it’s cleared, right? What do you say? They don’t want to hear about it a second, third, subsequent time because you “won’t” take their advice and go for a walk or do some yoga. There is only silence when I’m depressed because first of all I hate to burden people and second, I hate to infect others because honestly this is my world and if I can’t talk about it, then there is only silence so yes, I will not answer my phone because what is there to say?

You know the worst part of this whole ordeal? I can’t be admitted! I am my own boss now and no one can mandate that I check in someplace and get help. Worse, I can’t afford to check in someplace and get help because even though I am blessed to have government insurance, I can’t afford not to do my once-a-week pop-up when that is my only regular source of income. When I inquired about a hospital stay last week they told me once I checked in I’d have to wait to be released and that could be anywhere from 7 to 11 days. I don’t have that much time to hang out someplace to wait for this to pass! I have gigs to research and food to cook. When you work for yourself you don’t get to take sick time, well I guess I could but then I might not make rent for June then there’s the stress of that.

People see the glamour and they see the smiles behind all the accolades’ pictures and don’t get me wrong, they are all great but what they don’t see if how long it takes to decide that all you can stomach is toast and then the 30 minutes it takes to brew a cup of tea and toast that slice of bread. They don’t see the messy house and the propensity towards sweats and never leaving the couch. They don’t see it because they can’t reconcile the two people. I have had to reconcile the two people for the last 11 years since being diagnosed. We are one and the same and the goal for both of us is to stay alive. Most days that is a feat that is easily accomplished. Today, not so much!