The Funk Has Rolled In

There is a profound sadness that overtakes me as I watch my lover watch me/unravel/threatening to check myself in finally/feeling defeated by this imbalance

The depth of her despair as she listens/trapped in the cycle of chemical imbalance/unable to fix me/yet unwilling to leave

Run/Run fast and far/I said to her last night/as I began the slow, spiraling descent/that often signifies a cycle change

She laughed/then she smiled sweetly/I am not going anywhere/I’ll be right here when you come back

It’s better that way I say/ignoring her statement/I thought I’d be better by the time you moved in/that’s why being single is better/I talk non-stop/to shut out the thoughts/as they ravage my brain

Run/I repeat/she reaches for my hand and squeezes it/tears silently rolling down her face/I wish I knew how she felt/deep down

The silence/I want to fill the silence with processing/I want to know how she is feeling/what she is thinking as she squeezes my hand/but I am not sure I can take another person’s processing/not right now

I calm down and forget to chase the processing/I settle for sitting beside her hand-in-hand/knowing this is not easy for either of us/I reach to hug her with the other hand/knowing the weight of my illness/is on her heart/knowing she herself is seeking support for her own demons/seeking support from a sinking ship

Today I wake up begrudgingly/a new day/further down the spiral/sunshine that I cannot see/even as I draw the curtains open/I smell the funk rolling in/I crawl back into bed and say/I love you/the funk has rolled in/you should run/she smiles back/ she says I know/ I love you/I’m not going anywhere